Whispers of Fate

Embrace me as I come near you.
O sweetest refuge of mine,
You are my comfort when I am in deep sorrow.
Welcome me now with your warmth,
For I chose to lay beneath you forever...

"Mom, Father Dominguez called to tell you that the prayer meeting is about to start."

"Really? I think I better go now."

That’s my Mom, very Catholic and pious.

A few minutes later, Samantha arrived.

"I’m so sorry for being late. I have some chores to finish at home. So, where’s your assignment? We better do it now."

"Yeah, we should. I waited for two hours."

"This is Algebra. Very easy. I’ll show you how to solve these problems."

After an hour, I learned to untangle the complexity of variables X and Y.

"Algebra is this easy! Thank God I have you Samantha. You are such a great relief. I could never imagine my life without you."

"Hmmm... that’s sweet. But how can it just be me? You have a Mom who loves you dearly, and a stepsister, Christine, who cares for you so much."

"You don’t understand Samantha. I know they’ll always be there for me but I still feel a bit of insecurity even with them around. Mom speaks too highly of Christine. She always gloats over her so-called unparalleled sense of responsibility and maturity..."

"I guessed it! You are just awfully jealous of Christine because she gets all the praises."

"Jealous? Of course not! I know that Christine too well. I’m 100% sure she’s got nothing to be envied with!"

"Okay, that’s enough. I don’t want to see you green-eyed and fiery red," Samantha said in between hugs and tender kisses that flared up my senses and made my heart soar to ecstatic heights.

Samantha’s embraces and passionate whispers always make me feel like a feather blown aimlessly by the gentle breeze, puffing me in all directions with euphoric rhythm, suspending me to a blissful peak where I want to stay eternally.

"How I wish life is always like this. Free from complications and problems."

"Problems? You have everything anyone could ask for – a loving and wealthy family that takes care of all your needs. What more can you ask for?"

"Loving, huh? Well…money isn’t everything."

"I know. But what else do you need? Can you tell me what’s bothering you?"

"Well... us. This relationship. Our relationship. This is my problem."

"Oh, my poor sweetheart. Come, let me kiss off your trouble. Remember this all the time: no matter what happens there will always be you and me. Nobody can take you away from me. Nobody."

It is always like this. Painstakingly, I would gather my courage to speak out all my fears only to be silenced by Samantha’s ardent kisses that completely erase the trepidation and guilt I feel within. Like now, my heart is anxious but the warmth of Samantha’s lips makes my heart beat with ardor and completely frees my mind from all torments.

Unexpectedly, a loud knock and the sudden opening of my bedroom door brought me back to reality.

"Holy God! You despicable, immoral, whorish daughter of mine! What are you doing? And you, nefarious beast whom I thought was just a best friend of my lewd daughter, get out! Get out! I don’t want to see your face again! Don’t you ever dare see my daughter again!"

"Mom! Please! It’s not her fault. Don’t blame her alone, Mom."

"Shut up you shameless whore! You know fully well that both of you did such a grave sin! You disobeyed God’s law!"

"Mom, please forgive me - "

"Don’t ask forgiveness from me, ask forgiveness from God because it’s His commandment that you openly transgressed! You should fear the wrath of God!"

"No, Mom. I know that God will understand me..."

"Who are you to say that?"

"I did not want to be like this, Mom. This is not my choice!"

"And whose choice is this? You now think like a whore, always giving in to the desires of the flesh. All your sensibilities have turned into lust. You have no morals left anymore. These evils occur at your own wish. Come to think of it, will this ever happen if you refused to allow it?"

This harsh question made my thoughts wander. Why? Was it my choice when at the tender age of nine Christine crept on my bed and invaded my privacy and sanctity? Was it my choice that a beast disguised as a goddess intruded my youth and femininity?

"Answer me you lady whore? Answer me!"

My Mom’s voice, booms like thunder, reverberating but furious. The succeeding events transpired swiftly, my Mom rushing towards me, ripping off my clothes bit by bit until...

"This is how shameful your acts are! This is how repulsive you are!"

Humiliation and guilt seized my entire being. I want to be invisible that instant. I could not remember how long I was frozen, then, the pealing church bells prompted me to regain my composure. The church… Yes, the church. I should go to the church.

The Cathedral, with its aura of holiness, is much too dignified for my humiliated soul. As I gaze upon the altar, Virgin Mary’s eyes seemed to blaze at me and the flame of the Sacred Heart of Jesus burns me deep inside. I knelt right away, praying, asking for forgiveness and surrendering my sinful soul to Jesus and Mary... Slowly, I took notice of a voice:

"...taken from the Letter of St. Paul to the Romans, chapter 1, verses 25-27 which says: They exchanged God’s truth for a lie; they honored and worshipped created things instead of the Creator, to whom be praised forever, Amen! Because of that God gave them up to shameful passions: women exchanged natural sexual relations for unnatural ones. Similarly, the men, giving up the natural sexual relations with women, were lustful of each other, men with men, bringing upon themselves the punishment they deserve for their wickedness."

A sudden pang of guilt ripped my heart. Those words were like a thousand knives thrown at me! Uncontrollably, I ran outside, weeping. My sobs and heavy footsteps broke the silence and solemnity of the holy gathering. I am dazed! My mind, murky!

I began treading the familiar pathway that led to my constant refuge… The river! The lovely music created by its gushing water always gives my aching soul a surge of relief. But this time, I want more: I want to feel the cool caress of its gentle ripples, and be tucked asleep underneath its bed never to be disturbed again by the cruelty of fate.

Happily, I began filling my pockets with the weathered rocks swept off by the mountain rains and rushed towards the river’s welcoming crystal embrace...

Embrace me as I come near you,
O sweetest refuge of mine, you are my comfort
When I am in deep sorrow.
Welcome me now with your warmth,
For I chose to lay beneath you forever...

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