The expectations, the disappointments, the successes, each negatively or positively traumatic, inciting our evolution of spirit in every aspect. I now know the true meaning of the word growing pains. Outgrowing situations and people, exceeding my wildest musings with the realities I encounter.
I divide my life up into phases, separate growth spurts, each ascension leaving me taller and able to see further.
As I reach yet another peak and glance back, I am confronted with the enormity of this passing state and even in my anticipation of the future, I cringe at letting my past slip into the annals of my own private history. Not only the fear of distancing myself from the person I was but also the fear of forgetting affects me. The past is the instrument that shaped me, into what I can now make of my own accord.
To move beyond this summit, into a new juncture, to fulfill my potential, I must stand on the shoulders of those who have been for me and then leave them, as many friends must follow a different path. In my eyes, one specific focus hinders me from taking my natural course of action, one person who stands in stark relief, even compared to the brightest backdrop. I long to take this person into my future, not on my back, but by my side, but regrettably he is not ready to move in my direction.
So here I stand, on the highest pinnacle of my existence, unable to face forward, until the one I want consents to join me.
While I wait in transition, I live with the risk that each unsteady breath that I take could tumble me into a hell of my own conscientious choosing. I accept this necessity, and come to the realization that maybe the past is not so far away or maybe I am just slipping back into my history.